Should have, Shouldn't have
by Omnicat
Summary: Set somewhere between episode 10 and 11 of the anime. Feelings of guilt and blame threaten to break the remaining Knights apart now that their 'heart' has been ripped from their midst.


**Title:** Should have, Shouldn't have

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** K

**Genre:** Angst

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** Up until episode 10 of the Prétear anime, at the very least.

**Warnings:** None.

**Pairings:** Mentioned unrequited Sasame x Takako

**Soundtrack:** None that I know of. Suggestions are welcome.

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim, which means we already agree before you've even sued me. So do us both a favour and don't sue me.

**Summary:** Set somewhere between episode 10 and 11 of the anime. Feelings of guilt and blame threaten to break the remaining Knights apart now that their 'heart' has been ripped from their midst.

**Author's Note:** Set after Himeno ran away from home and Sasame joined Takako, when they were staying in the old church at night and ran around town fighting demon larva during the day. Enjoy.

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**Should have, Shouldn't have**

_It hurt, like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. It hurt so much he wanted to scream. But this wasn't his own pain. This pain was brought to him from another, as a punishment. The sword had yet to strike. It was the color of amethyst, like _his_ eyes._

_And then those eyes were in front of him, and his own heart was ripped out._

Hayate shot upright with a strangled scream on his lips. A chill enveloped his suddenly exposed body as the blanket fell away. He sat up on his pew, clutching a hand to his chest. It was still hammering. Still there, aching. _Just a dream..._

"Hayate?"

An orb of light came floating over his shoulder and Kei and Goh appeared from the darkness. Their footsteps echoed through the church... echoed unnaturally... Hayate looked away, squinting.

"Another nightmare, huh?" Kei said.

Hayate nodded. "Sorry for waking you."

"You didn't wake us." The Knights of Light and Fire sat down on either side of Hayate.

"Then what are you doing up?"

"I won't be able to stay up on my feet in the morning if I have to keep this entire place warm tonight." Goh said, motioning to the chilly shadows around them. "So I'm making house calls every few hours." he said with a weak smile, and started rubbing circles on his friend's back. Warmth began to flow into Hayate.

"Thanks." he mumbled.

They sat there for a while in silence. In Kei's soft glow Hayate could see Himeno's chest move up and down in the pew in front of him, but he couldn't hear her breathe. The sound hadn't simply left, it had turned on them and was now trying to smother everything.

"It's all my fault again." Hayate said after a while, his voice low. "I should have noticed something was wrong with him."

There was no need to ask who he meant with 'him'. He'd been on all of their minds constantly ever since he'd left. More than ever before, in fact. Hayate felt like the embodiment of the irony of that.

"Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't have known." said Kei curtly. He was definitely not a night person.

"I should have. He was my best friend. No offence to you guys, but..."

"We know." Goh assured him, remembering with pain in his heart the previous Knight of Ice and how different things were now, with Mannen as his successor. "Don't worry about it."

"I should have known when he stopped laughing." Hayate said, balling his hands on his thighs. "He used to laugh more than the three of us put together, remember? Always trying to lighten the mood and making girls blush."

In the oppressive silence and darkness of the present, the past kept echoing in his head, from one side to another and back again. When he was young, the silver-haired Knight had loved to tease people, and could laugh about the smallest things, infecting all around him with the sound. That was, until Takako came and he was stunned into silence...

"I knew Takako had changed him, but I never bothered to _ask_ about how he felt."

"Stop claiming all the blame for yourself." Kei snapped. "You were closest to Sasame -" Hayate flinched from the name he'd been trying to avoid saying or hearing or even thinking, ever since _that_ day. "- true, but I was the mature, responsible one. I should have seen it too."

"And me." Goh added, gripping Hayate's shoulder. "We survived too, remember? We've been there too, all along. Right by your and Sasame's side."

"Even if you felt isolated, you know we never thought of pushing you away. You two -" Kei pricked Hayate in the chest, right where it hurt. "- brought it onto yourselves. You with your thick-headed over-sensitivity and Sasame by walking around like a lovesick puppy. It's entirely his own fault that she's treating him like a dog on a leash now."

Hayate suddenly jerked his shoulder from Goh's heated grasp. "Ah, dammit, Goh!"

The spiky-haired Knight quenched the fireball that had almost scorched Hayate in his fist as he jumped up, hissing: "Shut up, Kei."

"What is it, can't handle the truth?" the Knight of Light taunted, looking up at the Knight of Fire unfazed by his blazing temper. "I'd _love_ to be there when she commands him to heel and bark. I'm willing to bet he'd do it too."

"Shut up!" Goh's exclamation was just a little too loud, and he quickly looked around to see if no-one had woken up before turning to Kei again. "Just because _you_ don't have a heart -"

"Stop it!" Hayate stood up and swirled around, knocked Goh back into the pew and pushed Kei, who had wanted to rise as well, down. His throat burned, his voice was hoarse. "Haven't we suffered enough losses already? This is not a time for internal conflict."

Kei and Goh glared at him, then looked away into the darkness. Hayate knew he needed to say something, but he couldn't find the words. This had always been the job of the Knight of Sound...

_We're such a bunch of idiots. We let the heart of our group wither and rot, and now look what's become of us._

Goh was the first to speak, surprisingly. He rose. "The kids... They're having a hard enough time dealing with the situation as it is. They're confused and don't know who to trust anymore. Losing one of the foundations of their life is enough, we shouldn't scar them any further."

He stiffly stuck his hand out at Kei. The blond Knight seemed impressed and, if that was even possible, humbled. He mumbled something that was probably meant as an apology and shook the offered hand. After a few awkward moments, Goh and Kei simultaneously announced that they should be going back to sleep and left for their blankets.

Hayate tried to get comfortable on his pew. It seemed to be more impossible the more he tried.

They'd screwed up. Totally screwed up. Goh was right. It really wasn't fair that the younger ones had to suffer from their mistakes. Some responsible 'big brothers' they'd been. Home and family were supposed to be save havens, free of the darkness they had to fight at too young an age. But at least Mannen, Hajime and Shin could still get a second chance, if only their older brothers did their job right this time around. At least, that's what Hayate hoped.

Kei, Goh, Hayate and Sasame, though, were screwed for the rest of their lives. No matter how long or short those would be. No matter what would happen. The way things were now, Hayate couldn't see one single happy ending. But...

They were fairytale Knights with a real life Princess. So shouldn't they get their miracle too?

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**PSAN:** :bangs head on desk: I hate Angst. I really do. But it seems to be all that I'm capable of writing lately. The 'Sasame stopped laughing' thing is based on Sasame's transformation when he was adapted from the manga to the anime; he _literally_ stopped laughing. He still flirted and teased a bit, but only a tiny bit. It wasn't nearly like he 'used to' in the manga, after he was made to be as in love with Takako as he was in the anime. (In the manga, Takako played a much smaller role. Sasame was still in love with her, but... different.)


End file.
